more importantly.........WHY am I?
Like anyone, I find myself asking "i" these questions. But they are coming to mind more frequently lately.
Let's start at the beginning (of this last "self-evaluation"). My partner asked me some time ago "when do I ever feel pretty?"...told me some time ago I would "make a great [spouse]"...and just last night, "do you know you're beautiful?"
I think everyone has suffered from the "don't ask don't tell"/"don't acknowledge the elephant [til it acknowledges you]" improper way of 'dealing'. And now I'm being asked, what I didn't feel I was ready to tell/acknowledge. Those questions made me realize either my insecurities are becoming more evident or that my partner [as love grows will yield] is paying more attention...or both. To you all I'm sure these questions/statements made your heart warm and think "that's so sweet". To me....I was uncomfortable [as hell]. And I did what I do best, make a joke or taint the seriousness of my response with humor. AHA---a defense mechanism, I (and maybe you all) know too well.
Normally, I feel safe in my defense mechanism. It gets me away from continuing a serious topic in a serious tone, if not completely deviating the conversation. But today, I spent the day distracted and worried about how I was coming off to my partner. Am I seeming to be a less secure, less empowered, challenge? Am I radiating a sense of self-doubt and unhappiness? Did my lack of response or reciprocal praise lead to doubt in my partner about my feelings/their worth to me?
I found the blessing in having finally been concerned with what I thought was a great defense mechanism in the past. I found how much my heart and mind were in love and did not want to lose my relationship. I found myself finally breaking down my walls so that I can love myself in order to be loved. Yay!
Sadly, I also found the curse. Realized how worried I was that this is beginning to feel like an "experimental" relationship. The more I disclosed and searched and learned of myself, the less stable I felt about "who I am" and what I could bring to the relationship. The more chance it has of having various outcomes, some if not most out of my control. ME? lose control? [AW HELL NO!]... Yes, it's great to learn, but at what cost. As my walls come down, I feel uncomfortably vulnerable/open/unknowing in my relationship. Yes, I hear ya...love is about being vulnerable. But love is also about being comfortable in your own skin. And right now, I am not...
Ok, I am taking this blog in so many directions so I will try to bring it back. All in all what I am focusing on today is how much of my laughter is "youth"/"pure happiness" and how much is a "don't REALLY look at me" mask to hide imperfections/deny myself emotions. WHEW that last is a doozy. Because... I automatically equate emotions to --> vulnerability to --> expectations/investment to --> disappointments/tragedy. whoa. *exhale* but how sad is that?
Anyhoo, I'm only human and can deal with things (truly) one at a time. Right now I am focusing on the deny myself emotions and investments thought process. I think, and am pretty sure, I do this because I have never known any true joy in the past. Happiness is one thing and, to me, circumstantial. JOY is permanent/unmovable/within you always (even when we're sad). So, because I've never known true joy, I've rationalized it doesn't exist. And the people that walk around trying to flaunt it are just mistaken. They are just exceptionally happy at that moment and time. And they don't know that cloud may and will be taken from them at any point in time, leaving them to mourn and feel deep-rooted sadness. AHA--we have a breakthrough. I play it safe, by not taking risks. I avoid pain/sadness/ugliness, by not expecting or trying to be happy/beautiful. I would rather not invest in any emotion, because like any investment it can expand or it can decline. That loss of control (ah, we hit this again) on such stakes, seems pointless and foolish to me. And I'd rather not take part.
Well guess what self...you're in a damn relationship now...you best learn to take part...or try... You better think of yourself in the [spouse] spotlight with potential to be a damned good one, because someday someone will want/see you there. Self, I hope you see yourself there too. You better know your external beauty as well as your internal, vice versa. And self, pleaseeee...I beg you, learn to let yourself feel the emotions your expressing. This incongruity dance you got me and you doing, is not beneficial. We have to feel things...real things...to know them. We have to invest to truly learn. And frankly, I had your back in the past and loved "saving face"...but these days all these barriers are letting less and less sunshine come through. And you and I deserve to feel/see it. I rather know this love I'm feeling for real for as long as I can than to have missed out. You'd better hop on board. :-)
I think that's a good place to leave it. Anybody else struggle with any of these issues? Anybody else writing letters to self?...hope you'll share so my madness doesn't seem so mad...so that you can purge somethings too...if anything, hope you got something out this about yourself or someone else close to you...YES I'LL SHUTUP [for now].
~bye >_<
LAWD! I think I really relate to this post not because through my circumstances, those past and present walls become built. And as it can be said, walls can be used to shut people out, but those walls also don't allow those we want to come in to do just that. I never used to be a person who was so cautious with their heart (some might find that stupid, but so be it), and I found that even in heartbreak there is a lesson.
ReplyDeleteThis is the one reason why I cannot agree with you saying that you're rationalized that joy doesn't exist. I think it is a blessing and a joy to be able to learn and "experiment". But it comes with the territory. I also think this was learned at an early age for me because when I Was in the 5th grade there were literally about 6 funerals I went to in a span of 6 months. And what someone told me about those times was that joy and sorrow go hand in hand. So even when you're sad, you still have joy. There's a peace in knowing that you're growing.
Nobody said being joyful was easy. Joyful doesn't necessarily for me equate to being jovial, youthful and happy (although all of those emotions are nice). Joy can be in heartbreak because with a little bit of foresight, you'll see that the heartbreak was necessary for you to grow as a woman, friend, and eventual lover to someone else.
Also (I promise I won't write my own blog on your post.) Sometimes you do have to look yourself in the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say "Self... Stay out of my damn way!" As you mentioned your defense mechanism, that's one thing that may keep you from finding your joy (as you seem to recognize it creates barriers and doubt in your relationship). They may prevent disappointment, but how happy can you be knowing that what could have been a true blessing will never be because you are so fearful of disappointment. And what is an investment without risk? If we're content with small or diminished returns, then we can continue to not open up and never lose control... But if we want to go for gold (nah, platinum, diamonds and sapphire), great risk will yield great return!
None of this is easy... But yeah, sometimes we have to get out of own ways to help ourselves...
OKAY I'M DONE! Sorry boo. Love it though! Thanks for the time to think and reflect!